Diary of a Shopkeeper, 25th May
13th August 2024: ‘Your electricity meter needs urgent replacement,’ said the email. ‘It uses a long wave radio signal, known as RTS, which will be turned off across in June 2025. It's important we change your meter so your heating and hot water aren't affected.’ I sprang into action and phoned the number provided. ‘Thanks for calling. Unfortunately we’ve no engineers’ visits planned for your area. We’ve registered your request.’ I’m glad I’ve got that sorted out, I thought to myself. And got on with my life, confident in the future provision of warmth and hot water.
27th August, another email: ‘Reminder! Your electricity meter needs replacing!’ I knew I didn’t need to respond, as I’d already registered.
30th October: ‘Important! Your electricity meter will stop working!’ said the subject line of the next email. ‘Recently, we let you know your electricity meter needs replacing – you still need to book an appointment,’ it said. ‘We'll be near you between 4th November and 16th December. Don't leave your appointment to the last minute!’ Being a cautious character, I thought I’d call again, even though I’d already registered. I was told I needn’t have bothered. ‘But your email said that engineers would be in my area,’ I said.
‘Yes, but by ‘your area,’ we just mean the UK, not any specific place.’
‘So why do I keep getting these emails telling me to phone you?’ I said.
‘That’s the computer sending stuff out automatically,’ came the reply. ‘You can ignore those emails.’
13th November: ‘IMPORTANT! Do not ignore this email!’ Once again I was told our meter was about to meet its doom, leaving us cold, unwashed, starving, and blacklisted by all decent-minded electricity providers for not arranging an engineer’s visit in a timely fashion. I called again. And the response was the same: ‘Don’t worry, you’re registered, we’ll be in touch when we have someone in your area.’
‘So the emails headed, ‘Don’t ignore this email’ – I should just ignore them?’
‘Yes. The computer’s very efficient at sending out emails. But they don’t actually mean anything.’
I received several more meaningless emails over subsequent months, and successfully managed not to phone, despite increasingly strident instructions to do so. Then one day last month my mobile rang:
‘Mr McLean? I’m from Hi-Efficiency Electricity, and I’m calling to arrange the fitting of a new meter for you.’
‘Hurray! I’ve been waiting for ages!’
‘If you could just give me your address and postcode… Oh! Did you say KW16? I’m afraid there are no engineers in your area right now.’
‘SO WHY DID YOU PHONE ME?!?!’
‘Sorry sir, but I didn’t phone you. It was the computer. I don’t know who I’m going to talk to till I get put through and ask for details.’
9th April 2025: ‘Share your thoughts on electricity meters! You’ve been selected to participate in a survey about electricity meters. Do you have 15 minute to help us?’
No.
22nd April 2025: ‘High priority to change your electricity meter!’ said the subject line, with the text going on to say. ‘What’s wrong with you, idiot? How many times do we have to tell you? You’re going to suffer a cold and lonely fate, probably being eaten by your starving pet cats. Get your act together NOW and phone us!’ (That’s not an exact quote: I’m paraphrasing.) I phoned. They told me I was wasting my time. I said I thought it was them wasting my time. They said there was no need to get abusive. I apologised.
23rd April 2025: a phone call. ‘Good news! We can offer you an engineer’s visit to fit your new meter.’
‘Brilliant, thank you! When can they come?’
‘Tomorrow at 2pm.’
‘I’d need some notice to get time off work. What other appointments do you have available?’
‘Let me see… How about 2.30?’
‘2.30 when?’
‘Tomorrow.’
‘I can’t arrange it that quickly, ‘ I said. ‘There’s a big liner in tomorrow. Surely if the engineers are in Orkney they can come another day?’
‘No, that’s the only availability I have. Take it or leave it.’
‘What happens if I leave it?’
‘Your old meter could stop working. No heating, no hot water. No broadband. Your teeth will fall out, you marriage will collapse, your dog will die.’
‘I don’t have a dog,’
‘That was for illustrative purposes only. Goodbye.’
11am, 21st May 2025, another phone call: ‘Good news! We can offer you an engineer’s visit to fit your new meter.’
‘Really? Wow. When can they come?’
‘Tomorrow at 8am.’
I sighed. ‘Okay, that’s great, I’ll arrange to start work late. I’m happy to finally get it done.’
‘Just in the nick of time, sir. It would probably have meant the heat death of the universe if we didn’t see you on this occasion.’
4pm, 21st May 2025: ‘Hello. I’m calling about your appointment to have your meter replaced.’
‘What about it?’
‘I’m afraid it’s been cancelled, sir.’
‘WHY???’
‘Personal reasons.. I can’t divulge any more.’
The other thing she couldn’t divulge is when we might get our new meter fitted.
This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 30th May 2025. A new diary appears weekly. I post them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations, and occasional small corrections or additions.