Diary of a Shopkeeper, 21st June
James Kirkness at St Magnus Festival
Spike Milligan was one of my childhood heroes. I loved the surreal, often bizarre, humour of The Goon Show and his Q television series. So it’s a compliment when I say that Councillor John Ross Scott reminded me of Spike Milligan this week. With tourist season in full swing, and independent travellers, bus tours, and cruise liner passengers thronging the streets, John spotted a problem, decided something had to be done, and swung into action. He announced his success on Facebook:
‘The Marine Services staff manning the cruise liner passenger welcome service in the former TIC [Tourist Information Centre] premises told me last week that they were frustrated by the number of regular tourists and locals who were visiting the building for regular tourist information so I got the council to remove the Visitor Information sign on the side of the building.’
I was immediately reminded of Spike Milligan claiming that the lunacy of The Goon Show was inspired by real-life idiocy of a particularly British kind. Spike’s prime example of this was a 1955 incident when Westminster Pier, a floating pontoon-based jetty in the heart of London, sprung a leak and sank under the Thames. Quite an embarrassing fate for a prominent landmark, one that Queen Elizabeth II had visited less than a year before, as the final stop on a grand post-coronation tour of the Commonwealth. What amused and exasperated Spike was the sight of a bowler-hatted civil servant wading out to fix a sign to a wooden post, all that remained visible above the water. It said PIER OUT OF ORDER. Well, that removed all doubt: the pier under the water was no longer a working pier. Likewise, John’s removal of the Visitor Information signage on the side of the TIC removed all doubt: we no longer have a working centre for tourist information in Orkney.
The removal of the signs might help save the hard-working Marine Services staff – already fully occupied looking after cruise passengers – being overwhelmed with questions from ‘regular tourists and locals.’ But the real question is, where do ‘regular tourists and locals’ find the essential information they need? I can attest – as can a hundred other shopkeepers, bar staff and baristas – that they ask anyone in a customer-service role within the community.
We do our best. Dozens of times a day we try and give sound advice on where to eat fish and chips, whether there’s a bus to Skara Brae, places to hear traditional music, opening times of the museum, where to see puffins etc etc etc. We do our best to be helpful, but the truth is our knowledge is not always comprehensive and up to date. What’s more, we really should be prioritising slicing cheese, pouring pints, and frothing cappuccinos.
The loss of the Tourist Information Centre leaves a hole at the heart of one of the county’s biggest industries. There’s talk of someone – Destination Orkney, the OIC, John Ross Scott – starting up a new version of the old centre, as has happened in Lerwick. That would be a very welcome development. Meanwhile, the pier remains underwater. Of course there is online information – something that Visit Scotland seemed to think would be an adequate replacement for expert local human beings. www.orkney.com is a rich resource, well written and stylishly presented. It carries detailed information of major events across the county amongst much else. But what if someone wants a quick guide to what’s going on today, or next week: no detail, just headlines of what and where and when that can be taken in at a glance?
A Shetland musician, Mark Ockendon, reckons that we could benefit from such a site, so has set up www.whatsonorkney.com. It’s free and non-commercial: anyone organising an event can upload key information, and links to their own website. As of today there are listings for dozens of St Magnus festival events, but also future events as diverse as the St Magnus Marathon, Holm Regatta and the Water Sound Bluegrass Festival. There’s even a mention for the next Orkney Food & Drink Festival in September 2027!
I’d never met Mark before yesterday, when he popped into the shop as part of a walk around to introduce himself and his website to local musicians and events organisers. I have no involvement in whatsonorkney.com. I can, however, immediately see its usefulness. It will never replace the detailed coverage given to events in this newspaper, nor the useful but different coverage on orkney.com (and possibly other sites I’m not aware of.)
Its success will depend on events organisers being aware of the site and remembering to upload and update information. Even with that proviso, it promises to be an invaluable signpost pointing to the hundreds of events that take place here every year, and where to find out more about them. I’d rather have a signpost than a sunken pier.
This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 25th June 2026. A new diary appears weekly. I post them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations, and occasional small corrections or additions.