Fifty years ago, George Mckay Brown published his strangest collection of stories, The Sun’s Net. It’s full of disturbing tales, often with a supernatural element – or psychological torments dressed up in ghostly clothing. One terrifying story is ‘The Book of the Black Arts.’ The accursed book of the title passes through the hands of many owners. Anyone who dies while in possession of it loses their soul to the devil, yet getting rid of it is a challenge: it cannot be destroyed, but it must be sold, and for less than it cost the previous time it changed hands.

A light-hearted item on Radio Orkney last week revealed the existence of what might be the 21st century equivalent of The Book of the Black Arts. It’s called Orkney Islands: Pocket Travel Guide 2026, and was written, or conjured up, by Edison Cline. I have my doubts about how it came into being, because it hardly seems the work of mortal hand. If it’s Pocket Sized, it must be for the biggest pocket of a XXXL anorak, and its 136 pages are closely packed with detailed suggestions of what to see in Orkney, how to travel about, which attractions to visit, and where to eat and drink. How did Edison Cline get time to research all that? Especially as he’s also published 2026 guides to Malta, Seychelles, Poland, and that well known Greek city, Athen. It’s superhuman productivity!

Or maybe it’s not human at all. Maybe it’s AI – short for Artificial Idiocy. Ah, I shouldn’t be so sceptical about modern technology (if that’s what it is.) Let’s have a look at what the guide tells us.

The introduction certainly gives the impression that Edison has visited us at some point: ‘My journey to this northern archipelago of Scotland began as a curious traveller searching history and solitude, but it quickly turned into a deeply emotional connection with a place that felt timeless, raw, and hauntingly beautiful.’ That’s the kind of thing that a dozen tourists a day say in the shop, so it seems quite authentic. There are 20 pages of such poetic rhapsodies before the practical advice begins. That’s where the problems start.

In the accommodation section, for instance, while we’re all familiar with the Lynnfield Hotel and The Ayre Hotel, where on earth is Scapa Beach Lodge with its spa, fitness centre and private terraces for sunset viewing? I’ve never heard, either, of Linkshouse Hotel, Orphir, but it must be pretty luxurious, at £190 per night. Hold on! The Ayre Hotel isn’t in Stromness, and the Foveran (or Foveran Lodge as Edison calls it) isn’t in St Margaret’s Hope!

Neither is there a place called Muckle Beach in Sanday, or Sandy Hill Cove in North Ronaldsay. Not that I’ve noticed, anyway. Maybe Edison was paying closer attention – or has a wilder imagination – than me.

There are maps that promise to get you to such places, but I wouldn’t advise relying on them too much, or you could take considerably longer than necessary to get from A to B. The map giving directions from ‘Orkney Islands, United Kingdom’ to ‘The Foveran, UK’ starts in central Kirkwall reasonably enough, then goes to Lucano, the Ferry Inn in Stromness, and back to Helgi’s, before finally arriving at The Foveran.

Edison is rightly keen on local food and drink and recommends all the same things I would: beef, lamb, scallops, cheese. Some of his specifics don’t sound quite right. Does Lucano really serve ‘crab linguine with a hint of seaweed’?

If all this weirdness is starting to make you feel a bit queasy, fear not: you can heal yourself with ‘hydrotherapy sessions, aromatherapy baths, and reflexology treatments’ at The Storehouse Spa and Wellness Retreat in Kirkwall. If you’re out west you could go instead to the Stromness Wellness Collective for massage therapy, acupuncture and nutritional counselling, or the Fursbreck Holistic Healing Lodge. (Is this a new string to the Harray Potter’s bow?) Visitors to the isles don’t have to miss out on healthy experiences. Not while the Lyness Spa & Hydro Sanctuary ii offering ‘infrared saunas and seaweed-based detox therapies.’

I’m beginning to think something has been lost in translation. Is there a language problem to be overcome? Edison is reassuring: ‘For travellers, English will serve perfectly well anywhere in Orkney…but learning a few Orcadian phrases can greatly enhance your interactions. Saying ‘Guid morning’ or ‘Guid day tae ye’ brings smiles from locals who appreciate the effort.’ This may explain some of the more surprising conversations I’ve had in the shop this summer, including greetings along the lines of, ‘Guid eifterneen tae ye, sir, can ye direct me tae Maish Hoo, preferably travelling via Rousay and Wick.’

No, I’m sorry Edison Cline, I’m not buying it. Well, I have bought it. As soon as I heard the feature on Radio Orkney, I went rushing round to Castle Street and gave them a pound for their copy of the book. They seemed delighted to get rid of it. Now I need to find someone who will buy it off me. For less than a pound, of course.

The book is illustrated with black and white photos. A couple of them even show Orkney! But the rest…see the above examples, which are typical. Very strange!
This diary appeared in The Orcadian on 24th September 2026. A new diary appears weekly. I post them in this blog a few days after each newspaper appearance, with added illustrations, and occasional small corrections or additions.

Diary of a Shopkeeper, 27th September